The Honest Brunch Tier List

Brunch is a spectrum. Not all brunches are created equal, and pretending otherwise is a disservice to the brunches that are actually trying. Here is the definitive tier list.

S Tier: The Homemade Brunch

Someone you love made eggs, toast, and a real drink. The music is good. The table has candles even though it is 11am. There is coffee. There is no wait. There is no bill. You are wearing pajamas or something close to it. This is the pinnacle of brunch.

A Tier: The Neighborhood Spot

The place two blocks from your apartment with the great omelets and the bottomless coffee. The server knows your name. The menu has not changed in three years because it does not need to. You can get a table within 15 minutes. The cocktails are simple but made with real juice.

B Tier: The Instagram Brunch

The food looks incredible. The decor is gorgeous. The $18 lavender latte is photogenic. But the portions are small, the wait is 90 minutes, and by the time you sit down you are so hungry and annoyed that no amount of aesthetic can save the experience. You came for the grid. You left hungry.

C Tier: The Hotel Buffet Brunch

Unlimited food sounds good in theory. In practice, it is lukewarm scrambled eggs, fruit that was cut yesterday, and a carving station where a man in a chef hat slices roast beef for reasons nobody understands at 10am. The mimosas are unlimited because they are 90% orange juice.

D Tier: The "Bottomless" Brunch

$45 for 90 minutes of unlimited bad mimosas and the constant anxiety of flagging down your server for another round before the clock runs out. You drink four mediocre mimosas, eat overpriced eggs, and leave feeling bloated and stressed. This is not brunch. This is a timed eating competition with a drink ticket.

F Tier: The Brunch You Did Not Want to Go To

Someone's birthday brunch. At a restaurant. With 14 people. On a Saturday at noon. There will be a 40-minute wait. The table will be too long for conversation. Three people will order just coffee and then the bill gets split evenly. You will spend $55 on eggs you could have made at home.

The Move

Host your own brunch. Buy good coffee, eggs, bread, and a bottle of Deko Cocktails Bee's Knees. Make a frittata. Pour cocktails over ice. Play music. Total cost for four people: roughly $40. Total enjoyment: S tier. Every time.